YES. I know i've been gone too long. A little longer than I would really like to admit.
For a fleeting instant, I actually felt sorry for myself. The past few weeks of my life has been worth telling, what with all the changes my simple life has faced, this space wouldn't suffice.
Today, in response to my inner (writer) calling, I decided to come back and start writing again. I believe this would help me in coping with this little sadness that i feel for being away from home.
I never thought that I'll be starting this day reading your post about the effect my call had on you. I feel good reading it. Okay-more than good. It's just that when I have read your blog for Marco I was like transported to a different plane. I saw hearts floating around me. But then I noticed that your last post was dated March and it is now May!!!
Your blog for Marco has affected those who have read it not because you profusely and most of the time dramatically conveys it in cyberspace, but because we or at least I feel the love dripping/oozing in all the posts you made. It's overflowing, continuous, creative, true, vulnerable and very heartfelt. I envy Marco! =)
I guess I also have to thank Marco. This wouldn't have happened if not for him.
So please do not stop blogging.
You said you blog for Marco's smiles.
I follow your blog because it makes me really really smile (As in cheesy and corny smile!)
I really appreciate your staying up late last night to greet me. I couldn't have thought of any other way to be reminded of our tenth month but to hear that "Happy Ten Months baby!" at exactly 12 midnight. ( your time)
Today, I wished to see you. Well, I wish that everyday, but today I guess, is extra special. And it's kinda sad that you're not here, or I'm not there.
But still, I am happy to have loved you for the past ten months. Together or apart.
I love you so much. You keep me going, You make me happy. And for that alone, a massive thank you baby.I am so blessed to be so deeply loved by you.
When I started with this blog eight months ago, I never thought it would attract some audience. The sole purpose is to profess a love so true and sincere to a guy miles away from me. I am overly crazed about the guy, and therefore, paid little attention to people like you.
I have heard some comment on this piece of punch-drunk poems and letters and photographs. I've heard them all, the good and even the bad. I was told this was beautiful,it was way cheesy, that it was showing off my weak spot. I was sometimes asked to put this, and to remove that. But hell, I was happy. And I would never stop doing what makes me and him happy.
I felt happy hearing that your heart and mind is filled. You have always been a real charmer. You certainly deserve all the great lovin' in this crazy world.
Your good news made me remember all the feelings I had when I met my guy. I talked to closest friends immediately. I don't know why. I just had to say his name to someone. I felt that I can utter that name until I fall asleep. I remember being so excited to see him each night, to hear his sweet and boyish voice on the phone. I remember waiting eagerly for good morning texts that would complete my day. I remember missing him the moment he leaves. "The simple lack of him is more to me than others’ presence."
I recall how in love and happy I was for finally finding a man like him. I changed from night to day. It was like I finally felt there was a reason why I'm still alive. He is so much more than my lonely heart ever believed it deserved.
Thank You. The call was all I needed to be able to write here again.
And so I leave you with this quote;
“If you detect even an inkling of happiness, a tiny glimpse of love, a mere hint of contentment, for heaven’s sake grab it and don’t let go. Don’t ever think twice.”
I have always believed that all throughout life, we meet people and every single one of them brings something to us; gives us some sort of purpose. I sometimes think that he came into my life to make me realize that i make awful mistakes, and I'm awfully bad at them.
But just to let ya know, I didn't intend to ruin everything.
I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I've been a constant disappointment. I get needy, I get moody, I get distant, I want to be too close.
I feel insignificant, inadequate.. like I will never be good enough. You wanna know why? Because a guy like him deserves so much better than the lonely, heart-broken, fragile, tangled mess that is me.
But I love him. With all of my heart, I do. I just have a horrible way of showing it.
I woke up with you on my mind. I wonder where you were, what you were doing, what you were thinking about. I wonder if you had a hard time waking up, if you wish I was next to you. If for a minute, you turn to your side and say good morning to your pillow. I wonder if you do the things I do.
This whole missing-you stuff is eating me up. I count the weeks until I'm with you. (to dull the sting) but it doesn't work. I hate the dread and anxiety of not knowing what 's waiting. Is it too much to ask for us to be on the same patch of the earth?
I'm whining. I forgot that this is a love letter. Sorry baby.
I am writing this to say I love you. I love you more than anyone loves you, or has loved you, or will love you. (am i an absolute sap?) but really,I love you. You are beautiful. Don't ever forget it. And it feels wonderful to have someone as beautiful as you. You give me the most incredible days possible even in distance. (how much more if we're together?)
Happy eight months of lots o' lovin baby. I wish us strength, happiness, and lots and lots of love. I'm blowing kisses your way.
Love,
Super Pout
PS please never be tired of being in front of the computer.
cuddles.food.tickles.holding hands.long walks.making future plans.kissing.laughing.teasing.taking photos.finding nearby toilet(man mo).thinking of baby names.sweet secrets.smiling at each other.ice cream and egg tarts.looking out for sleepy people.i love yous.love.love.love.
reality:
webcam.smiling at each other.typing. emoticons. laughing.smooches.yakult.pancakes.messenger.virtual hugs and kisses. blogs.text messages.missing each other.gigiiil.pout.waiting.photo sharing.goodnight kisses.love.love.love.
Being away from Chicken can sometimes drive me crazy. But sometimes, it's really nice when I am able to capture his kisses, pouts, sullen face and laughter.
seriously, this is the gigil look.
my goodnight kiss looks like this.
the day i was cranky, i made my baby sad.
uhm. it's something you use for exercise. i don't know what's gotten into him.
Today felt like summer and the sun woke me, streaking yellow across my face. It hurt my eyes a lot. As soon as I opened them, I thought of the blogs i ought to write, messages to send, places to be, and a job to search for.
I sensed an urgency in the heat. It made me want to get up as soon as possible.
Just as I was reaching for the door, I heard his voice, calling my name. Marco came over and surprised me with heart-shaped pancakes. And strawberries. He then told me to pack up fast as we would head over to the beach.
Erm. You didn't think what i wrote was serious right? I was just daydreaming.
It sucks that geography gets in the way of what could be amazing togetherness. (T_T)
below are excerpts from the letters chicken wrote for monkey. they are monkey's personal favorite.
ONE: "well, simple lang naman, balance sheet account roll over sa bagong fiscal year, profit and loss close off sa retained earnings sa balance sheet. kakanose bleed ba? nagpaimpress lang ako hehehe…" Thu, August 6, 2009 11:53:27 PM TWO: "I shall drive safely but this time I have to concentrate on the road and try to forget you momentarily whilst on the road. I will place you in my ram (random access memory)" Tue, August 18, 2009 12:23:58 AM
THREE: "how's my sweetest girl? miss u much, di ka ba napapagod, u seem to run in my mind palage." Fri, August 21, 2009 12:06:42 AM
FOUR: "paggising ko, ikaw na nasa isep ko. may tinanim k b last night? malapet n tayo magkita, siguro di na ako makapaghintay." Mon, November 9, 2009 10:03:47 AM
FIVE: "2 weeks one day n lng, di n ko makapaghintay." Mon, November 16, 2009 9:30:27 AM SIX: "musta na? naaalala n naman kita. sumundot lng ako ng oras to ask you (see my first sentence)." Tue, December 15, 2009 9:43:48 AM SEVEN: "Psst." ~everyday~
HAPPY SEVEN MONTHS OF LOTS O'LOVIN BABY!! I Love You on this day. (and everyday of the year)
As I stare at your photo, soft from your goodnight smile, basking in the afterglow of our I Love Yous, I whispered a lil prayer that we continue to feel love like this.
Just because loving you is so beautiful.
Seventy six days we've been apart, thousands of miles away from each other. Long after I held you, my vivid memory tells me that you are still here. Tucked beneath my bed covers, spreading warmth, flirting with sleep. Reaching for me in your half-asleep daze. Every so often I still think about you and how nice it would be to have you near.
Days and nights away from you is becoming unbearable. I can barely complete the basic task of falling asleep.
You have unknowingly camped out in the corners of my mind. Never leaving. Your pretty, gentle, brown eyes blinking in an assurance of love until dawn.
And so this is officially the most difficult time for me. Drifting, not knowing what direction my life should take. I take refuge in your love. And hope again that this will lead me to you.
I want to tell you things. But I don't know if they really matter. Still, I’m just gonna throw it out here and then be done with the entire issue. BTW. this is totally random.
You are the first thing that floods my mind when i wake up. (and that makes me smile)
I love it when we come up with weird code names for each other.
I really hate it when you ask me to do the "little teapot" dance.
I feel sorry for myself for not doing the "little teapot" dance.
You're the first and only person that made me realize thatmustache isn't for girls.
I worry when you get cranky.
I hate it when I say stupid things that leads to our misunderstandingss. =(
You. Yes You. You make me want to love you more each day.
I sometimes think I talk too much and it doesn't make sense but you poor thing is forced to read what's in here.
I want you to be happy always. And I want to be there to witness your every smile.
Sometimes, I think I'm getting into your nerves.
I fear a future without you in it.
Did you know that otters hold hands while they’re sleeping so that they don’t drift away from each other.
I miss sleeping next to you.
I miss waking up with your arms wrapped around me.
You seem different now. Or is it just me?
You didn't say your "i wuv you" last night. =(
I told you you forgot something.. but you're gone.
I'm sleeping late. I can't stop thinking about you.
Better or Worse, I'm stickin' with ya.
I love you. I don't know if forever exists. But I love you.
Monkey's: If I were a month, I’d be December. If I were a day of the week, I’d be Saturday. If I were a time of day, I’d be Sunrise. If I were a planet, I’d be Saturn. If I were a sea animal, I’d be a Sea Turtle. If I were a direction, I’d be South. If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be an Ottoman. If I were a liquid, I’d be Milk. If I were a gemstone, I’d be a Turquoise. If I were a tree, I’d be a Mango tree. If I were a tool, I’d be a Wrench. If I were a flower, I’d be a Poppy. If I were a kind of weather, I’d be A fair, sunny day. If I were a musical instrument, I’d be a Piano. If I were a color, I’d be Yellow. If I were an emotion, I’d be Cheerful. If I were a fruit, I’d be a Strawberry. If I were a sound, I’d be A baby's laughter. If I were an element, I’d be Water. If I were a car, I’d be a Pick up truck. If I were a food, I’d be Sushi. If I were a place, I’d be a Library. If I were a material, I’d be Leather. If I were a taste, I’d be Sweet. If I were a scent, I’d be Freshly Brewed Coffee. If I were an object, I’d be a Blanket. If I were a body part, I’d be Arms. If I were a facial expression, I’d be Desire. If I were a song, I’d be ”Make you feel my Love" by Adele. If I were a pair of shoes, I’d be a Tawny Brown Ugg Boots.
Chicken's: If I were a month, I’d be December. If I were a day of the week, I’d be Friday. If I were a time of day, I’d be Sunrise. If I were a planet, I’d be Uranus. If I were a sea animal, I’d be a Dolphin. If I were a direction, I’d be North East. If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be a Lazy boy. If I were a liquid, I’d be Tea. If I were a gemstone, I’d be a Diamond. If I were a tree, I’d be a Mango tree. If I were a tool, I’d be a Screw Driver. If I were a flower, I’d be a Sampaguita. If I were a kind of weather, I’d be A cozy, cloudy day (with a bit of shower) If I were a musical instrument, I’d be a Grand Piano. If I were a color, I’d be Blue. If I were an emotion, I’d be Grin. If I were a fruit, I’d be a Dragon Fruit. If I were a sound, I’d be a Fart. If I were an element, I’d be Hydrogen. If I were a car, I’d be an Electric Sports Car. If I were a food, I’d be Seafood. If I were a place, I’d be a Park. If I were a material, I’d be Nanobots. If I were a taste, I’d be Savoury. If I were a scent, I’d be ____. If I were an object, I’d be a Universal Serial Bus (usb). If I were a body part, I’d be Mouth. If I were a facial expression, I’d be Friendly. If I were a song, I’d be ”Pax Deorum" by Enya. If I were a pair of shoes, I’d be Bakya.
There are a lot of expectations. An awful lot of questions. And I know the answer : It is better to have him home. It is better to have him close.
I am a little distraught. I confess my lack of direction. It's just not easy when you're not around. It's hard to always miss your voice, your face in the morning as it lights up, your constant giggles and rolls on the rug.
I want to walk while holding your hand. I want to act like a little kid with you. I want you to want to be next to me, and find excuses to do so.
Hell, don't mind me. I'm just nuts. But I love you very much.
“Love is never convenient—and rarely painless.” ~Richard Paul Evans~
Sorry, I haven't written for a while. I've been too dead in the afternoons. And evenings.
I got myself reading some books i found in my room. Most of it's garbage, but some of it makes sense.
I felt crazy today. Stomach pain made me miserable. My hands and feet tingled with cold numbness. It immobilized me. Thankfully, the pain has moved out of the scary level and is starting to feel like a cramp.
I am now waiting for chicken to pop out of the messenger. I know he's in there somewhere. Having dinner. Fixing things. Maybe talking. I MISS HIM.
It never stops. ( missing him i mean )
I sometimes busy myself with chores or writing or reading or finding a nice job.
But missing him is always a part of the routine.
And since I know i can never explain what i feel about chicken right now, I am going back to waiting for him to pop out of the messenger.
I got a little excited with the merry-making and reunions and eating here and there that i kinda neglected my duties as a writer. err a blogger. err a girlfriend. scratch that. make it a bloggerlfriend.
This is gonna be my first post for the year 2010. So i better behave.
Today, i will be making a list. A THANKFUL list.
The past year has been a very beautiful one. Y'all know that.
And I just want to stop, take a deep breath and count the things I have that I am grateful for.
Family, healthy bodies, spontaneous "I Love You's" from chicken, sunshine, hands to hold, books, food, comfy home, a bed to sleep in at night, evening conversations, happy breakfasts, memories of HK and Macau, laughter, sweet text messages and emails, poems, internet, safe journeys, new beginnings, warm friendships, hopeful tomorrows
for the hugs and kisses
for the ice creams
for the quiet moments
for a man i feel cherished by everyday
and for smiles that make my days bright.
Here's to a brand new year
... and another chance to get it right.
CHEERS to 2010!
XOXO
People who live the most fulfilling lives are the ones who are always rejoicing at what they have. -- Richard Carlson
1: languishing with love :yearning 2: expressing a lover's longing
So deeply affected by love as to be unable to act normally. You awake every morning, thinking of your love, dreaming of them all night, the pain of separation searing your heart every time a site or smell brings back the memory of your last encounter. Daydreaming, drawing hearts in the sand, constantly thinking "I wish they were here so I could share this moment" even when pulling weeds or walking the dog. The consuming fire within the heart for even one more moment with ones love that defies rational thought, knowing full well, one moment would never be enough, yearning for eternity together.
Thanks to Urban Dictionary and Merriam Webster. Now,I know where this headache is coming from.
The Grinch is soo with me.
Where is Chicken?
TO: Chicken
Roses are red. Violets are blue. And all i want for Christmas is you. =(
I barely made it out of bed this morning. In fact, the only reason I was able to drag myself out beneath the covers was the fact that it was my birthday.Today.
And I was awfully hungry.
I miss the days when birthdays were fun. Those days when you don't want that day to ever end. But whatever.
Thankfully, today became bearable. Thanks to the constant sms and phone call i received from chicken. Just hearing his voice made me forget all about the things i hate about this day. It's always a perfectly pleasant conversation even if sometimes we get lost with words.
And when all is said and done. I end up with one thing. I hate not being with chicken on this stupid and spineless birthday. And one more thing.
It's the eve of my birthday. What better thing to do than blog about birthday wishes? I am pretty sure that my "major" birthday present arrived last July. I just can't help to write a few just in case. So here's to wishing myself a happy birthday. Cheers!
a thousand lanterns to light my way
balloons.
anything hk
cupCAKEs
a cup of Christmas shared with chicken
masks. definitely masks.
polaroids.
sunshine la la la
rainbow
books. lots of them. oh and put them in a lavender suitcase pls.
It's been a week since I last held chicken in my arms. And it still amazes me that I can still remember the completeness, the unbroken quality of my life when we were together.
Remembering the seven days I was with him makes me feel sad. Well, not really sad. It's a kind of longing. Because seven days is just too fast and gone.
I arrived at the airport an hour and a half early, before the happy crowd with their baggies and boxes and cameras pile up at the arrival hall.
Everyone was waiting for someone. Others with blank looks on their face. Some smiling , some were calm and a lot were bored. I was breathless. I felt like a diver who finds herself a long way down and suddenly sucking on the last drops of air from a broken tank.
It was as if the waiting and looking for that familiar face will never end.
At exactly 6:47pm, I saw him.for the first time. Chicken was a vision of red.
He moved as though he was at once rooted to the ground and weightless. There was a smile painted on his face. I had to restrain myself from shouting at him. I had to restrain myself from running towards him.
Half the time, i was telling myself to believe that he really is here. Half the time i was wishing this feeling would never end.
And as I breathe his nearness, we continued to walk with his hands holding mine.
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I never thought that I'll be starting this day reading your post about the effect my call had on you. I feel good reading it. Okay-more than good. It's just that when I have read your blog for Marco I was like transported to a different plane. I saw hearts floating around me. But then I noticed that your last post was dated March and it is now May!!!
Your blog for Marco has affected those who have read it not because you profusely and most of the time dramatically conveys it in cyberspace, but because we or at least I feel the love dripping/oozing in all the posts you made. It's overflowing, continuous, creative, true, vulnerable and very heartfelt. I envy Marco! =)
I guess I also have to thank Marco. This wouldn't have happened if not for him.
So please do not stop blogging.
You said you blog for Marco's smiles.
I follow your blog because it makes me really really smile (As in cheesy and corny smile!)
So please tell Marco not to stop smiling. =)
With much LOVE for the Ate I never had,
<3>
May 23, 2010 5:16 PM